Facing Widowhood
Please let me talk to you widows. And speak to those of you who may not understand their transition. Hopefully, you will have a better grasp of what they go through. Transition. We change from wifehood to widowhood. Marriage to singleness. Quite a dramatic change.
(Dear church: do not neglect the widows. Not in meeting their needs. (I Tim. 5:16). Nor in using their giftings. We know how to pray and how to mentor younger women. Use us.
Today there are 13.6 million widows in America. There are nearly 700,000 women in the US who lose their husbands each year and they will be widowed an average of 14 years. A widow’s new income is typically 63% of what she had before he died.
You are physically and emotionally spent after your spouse dies. You will have a billion hurts and a thousand questions. You will face decisions forced on you which you did not expect. Sometimes you may say, “I need a Scream Room!” Or throw a pity party and shout, “How could he leave me in this mess?” Now you must form an identity all your own. One widow calls this discovering our “self-hood.”
Loneliness and lack of finances were the two most complaints I heard from the dozens of widows I interviewed across this nation. Often, with a more limited income you try your best to stretch resources when appliances break, roofs leak, medical bills pile up. Many widows told me that their husbands had not taught them how to handle family financial situations, so they struggled with this new responsibility. Maybe you had to give up your home and move somewhere you do not want to live.
Lack of an active social life goes hand in hand with loneliness. Friends may no longer include you in their get-togethers, now that you are no longer a couple.
The journey out of grief will not be the same for everyone because different personalities respond in different ways. It is a big adjustment whether your husband died instantly or over a period of time and you watched him suffer. Tears can be healing! Don’t bottle it up. Cry. Give yourself the freedom to grieve as long as you need, in the way you need.
Other women have travelled similar paths, but not in your shoes. God promises to walk beside you. So, we learn to give Him our needs and frustrations. He is now our Husband. (see Isaiah 54:4-5)
We have promises from God and we sometimes need to repeat them: “I am a daughter of the King of Kings. I am an overcomer. I am a victor, not a victim. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Add more.
Here are some suggestions from one widow to another:
- Don’t put your husband on a pedestal. He was human, not perfect. Forgive him, forgive yourself, and forgive all the people who do not understand what you are going through. Forgiveness will not be a onetime act. You will get unpleasant flashbacks. When we forgive, we release that offending person from our own judgement.
- Children may get angry about their dad’s Will and you have to deal with hurt feelings. Some even take moms or stepmoms to court to get what they thought they were owed. Get a smart lawyer who will fight for you to receive all your husband wanted you to have.
- Make a list of things you are grateful for that your husband did. Offer up the list to the Lord in thanksgiving.
- Teach someone something you are skilled to do. Mentor. Reach out to others. Volunteer.
- Take care of yourself. Get adequate sleep. Eat healthy. Make doctor appointments and keep them.
- Get financial advice if you need it—a trusted friend who knows business and will keep your business confidential.
- Ask for help when you need it—a ride somewhere, etc.
- There will come a time when you will laugh! The joy of the Lord is your strength.1
Prayer: Lord, since my husband’s death I have been on a rollercoaster of emotional ups and downs. Grief. Guilt. Anxiety. Loneliness. Money worries. Wading through piles of paperwork. Life-changing decisions. I need a place of safety and the right location for my future. Do I move? How do I downsize? Please give me wisdom and put trustworthy people in my life to advise me in making practical decisions. I know You have a plan for my latter years, so I trust You to begin showing me how to function in this new season of widowhood.When I feel overwhelmed with discouragement and despair, remind me to recall and declare Scriptures of hope to push back the enemy’s attack. Lord, I thank You in advance for You are now my Husband. I trust You to see me through, Amen.2
Scriptures: The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and to ask God for help. (I Timothy 5:5 NIV)
You will … remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband–the LORD Almighty is his name–the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. Isaiah 54:4-5
- Quin Sherrer, Hope For A Widows Heart, Authentic Pub., available on ebook, Amazon.
- Quin Sherrer and Ruthanne Garlock, Warfare Prayer For Women (Chosen Books, 2020), p 200. Amazon
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